Mark McGwire the golfer?

Mark McGwire a professional golfer? No way. Mark McGwire was a great baseball player and Mark McGwire is a good golfer, but notice I say good golfer, not great, but good. I don't know why so many great athletes think they can retire and then go out and compete with professional golfers. You don't see pro golfers retire and try to compete in other sports. Michael Jordan, one of the greatest athletes of all time, was not able to compete at golf on a professional level and neither will Mark McGwire. Is it arrogance that makes these guys think they are talented enough to compete?

Mark McGwire gave it a try at the Western Open but an opening round 82 really hurts. What I find amusing about his 82 is that he said "I think I hit enough shots out there so they knew I basically have a game." Hello! Earth to Mark! This is golf, less is better. You hit more than enough shots out there, you hit too many. If you had hit less shots out there we would have known that you have a game.

These former athletes with too much money and too much free time should stick to playing in Celebrity Tour events. Look at Rick Rhoden, he's a great golfer, but he knows his limits. He sticks to beating John Elway and other athletes and celebrities out there, not the guys on the PGA or Champions Tour. Mark McGwire you'll be a good golfer one day, but don't think you can compete with guys who have been playing at the professional level for many years, you'll just embarrass yourself.

I do believe former pro athletes can become very good golfers in shorter periods of time then the rest of us for several reasons. First they retire at a young age and have nothing else to do but golf. They also have unlimited money for lessons and equipment. And most of these athletes have superior control over their minds and bodies and can adapt to other sports more quickly than us working folk ever could.



If you ever want to make it on the PGA or Champions Tour Mark McGwire you're looking in the right direction for help.

Golf Mongolia. WTF are you thinking?

Andre Tolme went on a mission to play golf across Mongolia. GolfMongolia.com is Andre's site that claims this adventure is about extreme golf, one man hitting a golf ball across Mongolia for 90 days. He played 1,234 miles which he made into 18 holes, losing 509 balls and taking 12,170 shots. He claims par for Mongolia is 11,880 and the course is a total of 2,322,000 yards. Here's a good summary of this quest.

I think this guy needs psychological help. If I were going to pick a country to play, it certainly would not be Mongolia. How could anyone in their right mind look at a map and say "Mongolia, I'm there, that's the country I'm playing across." A damn lunatic that's who. Why not Fiji, Bermuda, Aruba, Costa Rica. Somewhere with a decent climate, that actually has some appeal. If they are too small, play 'em twice. And who gets to take a 90 day vacation?


Considering the terrain not a bad follow through. Obviously the Mongolia Golf Club has no dress code. And yes, spikes are allowed, but then again, so are your work boots. Somebody get this guy a straitjacket.

Portland, CT is my golf haven

No Three Putts grew up in Portland, CT. I know no one has ever heard of it, but yes there is a Portland in CT. Portland is located about 10 miles south of Hartford on the Connecticut River. So why mention Portland? Because this is where I learned how to play golf. My father, Henry, took me golfing for the first time when I was 7 years old at Portland Golf Club and since then I have been addicted to the game. I can still remember my father coming home from work, picking me up, rushing over to the golf course and either playing the 1st two holes or having putting contests until dark. By the time I turned 10 I was beating my father regularly, and to this day, there is no one I would rather play with.

Is the Portland Golf Club the best course I've ever played? No, but it's a fun golf course and although it's short, there always seems to be enough trees in the way to prevent great scores. I got my only hole-in-one on the uphill 4th hole. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see the ball go in the hole, but at least my Dad was with me to watch me pull the ball out of the hole. I can guarantee you that if you ever play at PGC the entire course from tees to greens will be in great shape. There's also a guy named Mark Sloan, the head professional, who is always in the pro shop with a smile on his face. I would highly recommend playing the Portland Golf Club if you are in the area.

Little Portland, CT also has two other golf courses. Quarry Ridge Golf Club is another nice course built around old brownstone quarries. I played golf in high school with the head pro there. And Portland Golf West is an executive course that is always fun to play, has a nice practice facility and the head pro Gerry has been a fixture there since the course opened in 1985.

So for a town of around 8,000 people Portland, CT has got ya covered if you want to play golf. I want to thank my Dad for teaching me how to play golf and for always encouraging me in everything I pursue. I'm glad my golf partner got good news from the doctor yesterday, can't wait to get out on Emerald Dunes with you soon.

GolfMates online golf dating service

GolfMates.com is a site for single golfers to meet other single golfers. This is an interesting concept. What guy wouldn't want to find a woman that likes golf. No more getting crap when you say "I'll be back in 5 hours, going to play 18 holes." The only problem now if you say that is you've got someone that wants to go play with you.

So here's a scenario I envision. You meet someone on GolfMates.com and set up a tee time to meet for the first time. You get to the course and see a woman that looks like Shamu putting on the practice green. You're thinking to yourself there is no way that she could be the woman I am playing with. Sure enough you go inside and the assistant pro, with a smug smile on his face, says "your partner just checked in, I see her over there on the putting green." After you go to the rest room and hurl, think of how much fun you are going to have over the next four hours. You know there is no way you'll be riding in separate carts.

I personally like to think of golf as my time for male bonding. The golf course is my sanctuary. The last thing I want to do is bring Mrs. No Three Putts golfing with me & the guys. What do I think of GolfMates? I think it's a great. I have a lot of buddies that should go to this site, put in the state they live in (for my buddy in Colorado, put in Colorado) and try to find a female. I wish Scott Kroeger, the founder of the site, a lot of luck. I love it when I see people take a concept, like online dating, and make it better.

Sexy LPGA Hottie Natalie Gulbis

Natalie Gulbis is just what the LPGA needs. She's young, pretty and has a good personality. Natalie Gulbis wants to be the Anna Kournikova of golf. Can she play golf? Who cares! Actually, she can play and has been playing since she was 4 years old. Natalie is in her 3rd year on tour. She had a great rookie year with 4 top ten finishes. She definitely had a sophomore slump and this year her chances of winning an event are not looking much better. So perhaps her goal to become the Anna of golf is realistic.

If you have not seen the Natalie Gulbis calendar, I suggest you get one. And shame on the LPGA Tour for not letting Natalie sell her calendar at the US Open. Why do they promote the calendar on their website, but not sell it at an event?



Here's her stats:
Born: January 7th, 1983
Height: 5 feet 9 inches
Education: University of Arizona (1 year)
Lives: Sacramento, California
At age 14 qualified for an LPGA event
1997 California Women's Amateur Champion
Coached by Butch Harmon
Finished 2nd in 2002 Rookie of the Year points



The LPGA needs more golfers that look like Natalie Gulbis!

Golf Lingo

The other day I was thinking about golf lingo. I said to myself, "self, why don't you think of some hip golf lingo." So being the hip cool guy that I am, I decided to come up with some golf lingo using celebrities names. Here's a few...

You hit the ball fat. Instead of saying "damn I hit that fat." Using No Three Putts golf lingo you'd say "damn that was a Rosie O'Donnell."

If you hit a horrible shot that is just ugly, that's a Tom Kite.

A shot that comes up short is a Danny Devito.

A great drive that you hit long and hard that's a Ron Jeremy.

You hit a ball really thin, but it still looks pretty damn good, that's a Paris Hilton. For those of you that saw her infamous video you could also use her name if you hit a shot that sucks.

You hit a great shot that is just killer, that's an O.J. Simpson.

If you hit a lot of hooks, you're obviously a hooker, instead I'd call you a Heidi Fleiss.

If you're playing with someone that cheats, he's a Martha Stewart.

When someone just totally chokes, instead of saying "ha you choked loser". Why not say "ha you did a David Beckham". I have still not forgiven the Brits for calling Todd Hamilton an obscure pub question.

You hit one in the bunker and it's hiding in the sand like a scared little girl, that shot would be a Saddam Hussein.

You play with someone that lays up instead of going for it like a man, he's an Elton John.

When a putt lips out, that's a Mick Jagger.

And for those of you that actually want to see a "real" list of golf lingo here's a fairly thorough one. Any of you out there that think you are funny, by all means please post a comment, I'd like to see this list grow.

Scotty Cameron Red X & Aserta Eclipse Putters

Scotty Cameron and Aserta both make good putters. I do not own either one of these putters, but I've putted a few balls with each. What I find amusing is all of the hype about these putters. I've got three putters that I rotate depending on the mood I'm in. I have a Ping Anser 2, an old TPM 13 and an even older Tommy Armour putter. And believe it or not No Three Putts is a pretty good putter even with these "classics". I am yet to embrace the modern putting technology.

It is hard for me to believe that a putter can make a golfer better at putting. Aserta is not shy about advertising that you'll save 6 strokes a round by using their putter. If this were true there would be such a buzz about their putters it would be as popular as the Tiger Woods scandal.

As for the Scotty Cameron putter $299 seems expensive for a putter, but I guess if Taylor Made R7 Drivers can go for up to $799 then why not pay $299 for a club that is used a lot more times per round. The one thing that annoys me about Scotty Cameron putters is the putter covers. I have never been a fan of putter or iron covers. Just seems a little anal retentive to me.

Aserta's big claim is that their putters use IVM, Inverted Mass Technology. What this means is their putter puts the weight of the club on the top of the putter head which creates top spin on the ball and eliminates skidding, sidespin and bouncing. Makes sense? I guess.

Scotty Cameron putters market two things. The materials, aluminum and stainless steel, they are made of and their sleek design which will "instill confidence". When over the ball you'll be lined up to find the true sweetspot. This also sounds good.

But why am I still not convinced Aserta or Scotty Cameron will make you a better putter? Because to me putting is about reading a green and having good speed control. Being able to do both of these things is what makes a good putter. Don't buy a Scotty Cameron or Aserta putter and think you will become a better putter. They might have a good feel when striking the ball, but it will take more than a putter to make you better.

You can get more info and buy these putters at Edwin Watts Golf.

Carlos Franco is lazy

Today in the newspaper there was a story about Carlos Franco and how he hates to practice. The only reason this story is of any interest is because he shot a 63 yesterday and was leading the US Bank Championship after the second round. He got to the golf course yesterday without hitting a practice shot and played a great round. Apparently Carlos Franco does not care about practicing, he'd rather go fishing.

I think if Carlos is good enough to play on the PGA Tour without practicing, he'd probably be a force to reckon with if he actually cared about being a top player. I wonder if he is afraid of success or if he is just content with mediocrity. I only say mediocrity because if he practiced, who knows how good he might actually be. I don't know if he could be a top player or not, but I say that he is a waste of a natural talent.

If I had the ability that Carlos Franco had, you bet I'd be out there practicing to take my game to the next level. I guess Carlos does not care about being the best at what he does. It's a shame that we will only read about Carlos once and a while, because someone that does not practice will not be winning tournaments and atop the leaderboard Sunday afternoons very often. Hope you enjoyed your moment in the spotlight Carlos. One suggestion: get out to the range and practice, maybe success won't be so bad.

Carlos "Slacker" Franco

No Three Putts in Golf World

For those of you that missed it, No Three Putts was mentioned in the July 2nd Golf World magazine. The story is titled Blogging and Golf. Is it a great story saying that No Three Putts is the best golf writer in the world? Heck no. Is the guy that wrote the story scared I might take his job? Probably not, but you never know.

After all, he is not writing an interesting story everyday about golf, like No Three Putts. I'd like to see him start a blog, write something of interest daily, work 9 hours a day and find time to play with two little kids.

What I found interesting about the story was that this guy really only mentioned 2 things. My anonymity and Tiger Woods. I am not going to defend my anonymity, I am Larry from southern Florida. Who really cares what I look like or what my last name is? I say the anonymity comment is a lame way for this writer not to admit that I have a pretty cool golf blog. And I can understand a golf writer not wanting to say that I have an interesting blog. If he said the blog was a good read his editor would be calling me, not him. I found it very humorous that he mentioned my comment on Tiger Woods. As readers of this blog you know that I very rarely mention him. I think he took a Tiger comment from me just so he could have Tiger's name in his story so someone would read it.

That being said, to all of you that read No Three Putts and to all of my blogging friends, I'd like to say "we are making progress". To be written about in one of the big golf magazines is good press for all of us. And to all of you golf writers out there keep the stories coming, let the world know who No Three Putts is.

Maverick Tour players got screwed!

There was a little mini-tour down here in south Florida called the Maverick Tour. The guy that started the tour, Tim Avramidis, left town with money that he owes the golfers who played on the now defunct Maverick Tour. This type of thing pisses me off. If anyone ever comes across this scumbag, let No Three Putts know where he is, I've got several buddies who had their money stolen by this jerk. I'm sure at some point he'll get what he deserves: a putter inserted sideways.

Are links courses cow pastures?

The British Open is over and we once again had a glimpse at one of the finest golf courses Scotland has to offer. I find it amusing how the people that love links courses will defend them to their grave. We've all heard the arguments that links courses are how golf was meant to be played, links golf is not for us spoiled Americans who play on such nicely manicured courses. Spoiled because we know how to effectively maintain a golf course? What's that all about?

Yes, when golf was invented there were no sprinklers or fancy mowers, but the times have changed and Americans have taken to modern technology very nicely. There are a lot of great links courses in the US, I played one in Denver last month. Over here we keep the fairways and greens green. If a golf course like Royal Troon were in the US we would make fun it. Check out Pasture Golf for a look at how we Americans mock courses just like Royal Troon.

I think all of you so called golf purists out there that think golf courses should look like they did hundreds of years ago, should put away your Scotty Cameron putters, the $500 Taylor Made drivers and your PRO V1 balls. If you think golf was meant to be played on a cow pasture like your ancestors did, fine, but stop playing with the modern equipment and go back to what was being played back then.

I think we pissed off the Queen!

Last month I said I hate it when a foreigner wins the US Open. Well take a look at what the Brits think of Todd Hamilton winning the British Open. They are rather upset that an American has won their tournament again.

Calling Todd Hamilton an American nobody and an obscure pub question is just wrong. Last week for four days I would have to call Todd Hamilton the best golfer in the world. To all of you Brits that are frustrated with an "obscure" American winning the British Open, I say this, "may David Beckham continue to miss penalty kicks". I won't say anything unkind about English golfers or bad mouth their golf games, I think it is quite apparent that there is no comparison between the level of golf played by American and British golfers. I think the Brits should pick the "Yank" with the most anonymity to win next year's British Open, at least then they'll have a chance of accurately picking the winner.

Ian Poulter has some balls

I like this goof ball Ian Poulter. How can you not admire a guy that shows up to the British Open dressed like Austin Powers. It's nice to see a golfer loosen up and show some personality. In order for the game of golf to continue to grow, to support all of the new golf courses that have been built over the last few years, we need more guys like Ian Poulter to draw the crowds and create a buzz.


Golf needs more guys like Ian.

If anyone wants to get into Mr. Poulter's pants here's your chance to buy them at an auction. Ian Poulter thanks for spicing up the world of golf.

Bad decision Fred Funk

What a feeling it must be to play in a major championship such as the British Open. Fred Funk, who had an exemption to play in the British Open, opted to play in the lame BC Open instead of the British Open. Fred chose to play in the BC Open because he needs to maintain or increase his points position to make the Ryder Cup team for the first time in his career. Yes, making the Ryder Cup team is important, but playing against the best golfers in the world to get there is more important.

Because Fred did not play well in his previous attempts at the British Open is no excuse for not going to Royal Troon. I don't want a guy on the United States Ryder Cup team that doesn't have enough faith in his own game that he has to try and get points by playing in a second rate tournament. The Ryder Cup is about competition and it is quite obvious Fred Funk is not a competitor.

I wonder if Fred Funk thinks he made the right decision after ending up in a tie for 40th place. Fred, the next time you have an exemption to a major don't say no. Not only do you make yourself look bad, it reflects poorly on the rest of us.

Let me put it to you in golf terms what happened to Fred Funk at the BC Open. He went for what he thought was the easier tournament, the safe bet, the sure thing and he screwed up. This happens to us amateur golfers on the golf course too often. We get up on the tee, we've got a narrow fairway or out of bounds on the right, we're thinking "hit the driver", but instead we opt for the safe iron play. You know the shot, the "I'll just hit this one right down the middle, play it safe, smart". What happens half of the time when we play it safe? We chunk it into the water or slice it out of bounds. Next time you're up on the tee, remember this: everybody loves a hero, hit the damn driver. Well Fred, everybody does love a hero and unfortunately it's not you.

Todd Hamilton's daughter says "18th hole is stupid"

One of the highlights of today's final round of the British Open had to be the surprising declaration by Todd Hamilton's daughter that the 18th hole is "stupid".  She even reiterated this by saying it a second time to really get her point across.  This was said after Todd & Ernie Els finished their 72nd hole.  After her daddy finished the hole with a bogey, I can definitely see her point.  How could any child of any age think that a hole is anything but stupid after it almost caused the demise of her father.  Luckily, daddy got a par on the 18th hole the second time around with a great chip to 3 feet to win the British Open. 
 
What a fine day of golf it was.  Nice to see, Todd Hamilton, a 38 year old PGA tour rookie win for the 2nd time.  For all of you guys out there struggling with Q-School each year, keep trying, go to Europe or Asia to sharpen your skills against the weaker golfers over there and then one day you too may succeed on the PGA Tour.      

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Todd?

Another great day of golf in dreary Scotland today. Many people throughout the world are once again scratching their heads saying who is the American, Todd Hamilton, atop the leaderboard. Todd Hamilton is the guy that won the Honda Classic this year.

He's shown he can win on tour, but does he have what it takes to hang on and win the British Open? I don't think so. I would love to see him win, but there are too many great names right behind him that know how to win the big one.

That being said, if Phil Mickelson can continue to play par free golf and his putter keeps dropping putts, the British Open is his for the taking. Phil will not lose the British Open from the tee or fairway, if he does not win tomorrow, it will be his putter letting him down.

With Gilligan, the Skipper too...

That's right Skip "the Skipper" Kendall is leading the British Open. Many of you may not be familiar with Skip Kendall or what the joke on the PGA Tour is involving Skip. Lucky for you No Three Putts is here to fill you in.

Skip has a slice, an incredible slice, a slice unlike any slice you have ever seen. His slice is so nasty that last year at the Memorial Tournament Skip sliced off part of his left index finger while cutting a bagel. If Skip has problems cutting a bagel, do I think he can hang on for another 36 holes? No way.

At least we'll get some good TV coverage with so many of the big names on the leaderboard. I'm going to pick Beam Me Up Scotty Verplank to win.

England & France atop the leaderboard? Not for long

Ah yes, today we had our first glimpse of the lovely shades of brown on the greens, the fairways and the rough at Royal Troon. And what do you know, an Englishman & Frenchman are atop the leaderboard. This will not last long. These gentlemen played great today and I hope they enjoyed all the interviews after golf today, because tomorrow Paul Casey & Thomas Levet will not be the golfers getting interviewed.

What do Paul Casey, Thomas Levet, Michael Campbell, K.J. Choi, Gary Evans, Kenneth Ferrie, Alastair Forsyth, Mathew Goggin, Marten Olander & Carl Pettersson all have in common? They are the first 10 names on the leaderboard after today's round. What else do they have in common? None of these golfers will win the British Open. You want one more? None of these men are from the United States.

The other day I mentioned who I thought would win the British Open, I still stand by my picks. I wish David Duval had played today so we could have had a good laugh at his expense. Tomorrow I hope the winds blow stronger than John Daly's sphincter after a bowl of chili.

British Open Predictions, Sorry Europe

I am not a big fan of making golf predictions. Team sports are much easier to predict. If a player who is on a real hot streak wakes up with the runs or has a migraine, his chances of playing well are going right down the toilet. I would have to say of the sports that I watch, golf is the hardest to predict.

With that being said, time for my predictions. Hey, just because I'm not a fan of making golf predictions doesn't mean I'm not going to make any. Too many people have emailed me asking for them. First, I'll start with who will not win the British Open, this is an easy one. The British Open will not be won by a European golfer. This eliminates a good portion of the field.

Of course I think Phil Mickelson & Ernie Els will be in contention. You'd have to be a moron to think that even the worst case of diarrhea will keep them off the leaderboard. As for Retief Goosen, he will not be in the top ten, a man can only rely on so many one putts to win a major and he used all of his up last month. I'm going to pick Chad Campbell as the longshot to win. He's been playing well, watch him. Sergio Garcia will be the top European finisher.

The golfer with the highest two day total is an easy one, David Duval.

Valderrama owner loves old balls

Jamie Ortiz-Patinos, the owner of Valderrama in Spain, was the winning bidder on a golf ball that is over 200 years old. A gentleman at the auction heard Mr. Ortiz-Patinos boasting about his love of balls. He was heard saying something like "I have touched balls all around the world, but never a ball this old. I love balls, big balls, little balls, squishy balls, bouncy balls, if it has to do with balls I'm all over it, I am a ball man." Members at Valderrama were very happy for Jamie, some even mentioned that he is often seen in the locker room playing with his own balls.


This is what a $44,531 golf ball looks like. For that price I would have opted for a couple dozen ProV1's.

Gimme my amateur status back

Here's an interesting article about former professional golfers who have had their amateur status reinstated by the USGA. These professional golfers can now compete as amateurs. There are definitely good arguments by these former pros as to why they should be given back their amateur status, but is this really fair? I don't think so.

Let's think about other sports for a second here. Larry Bird hasn't been playing professional basketball for many years, would you want to see him walk into the gym on an opposing team? Who wants to try and hit a Nolan Ryan fastball at the local Park & Rec league after work? I'll bet Wayne Gretzky can still skate circles around anyone. These may be extreme examples, but the point is these men will always be considered professional athletes. They will never be considered amateurs. Why is it former professional golfers think they should be given another chance to compete as amateurs. What makes these golfers special or any different from other athletes? Nothing as far as I am concerned.

When you turn professional in any sport you know exactly what you are doing. Because a golfer does not succeed on tour like he had dreamed of, does this give him the right to turn back the clock and become an amateur again. I know I don't want to play against golfers who used to be on any tour. Palm Beach County has a very competitive amateur golf scene and even with the level of quality amateurs I still do not think former pros should have the right to compete. If you made the choice to turn pro, that was your choice, don't come back to amateur land and start kicking our asses. Go back to where you came from and continue to get your own ass handed to you. BTW, the three top finishers in the Palm Beach County Amateur were former pros.

Why do range balls suck?

I love going to the range and hitting balls. I hate going to the range and hitting range balls. Do you get it? Here it is: RANGE BALLS SUCK! You've all seen them, you know what I'm talking about, those ugly things that feel like you're hitting a rock with big nasty red stripes all around them.


There should be a law against golf balls this ugly.

Practice for golf should prepare you for going out on the golf course. Standing over a ball with red stripes around it does not look anything like the ball I play when I'm on the course. I know the primary reason for these disgusting stripes is so cheap idiots won't steal them. I have a solution to prevent theft and to correct the red stripe dilemma that would make range balls much more enjoyable to hit.

Instead of stripes, why not put little catch phrases on range balls to prevent theft. Here's a sample of how they would read: I AM TOO CHEAP TO BUY BALLS SO I STOLE THIS ONE or I SUCK AT GOLF SO I'M PLAYING THIS CRAPPY RANGE BALL or I WEAR WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR BECAUSE I HAVE NO BALLS OF MY OWN. The list could go on and on, but you get the idea. Let's put somewhat demeaning phrases on range balls so they will not be stolen. Who would want their wife to see one of these balls in their bag?

This is a fairly simple solution to removing the ugliness from range balls. Once this problem is fixed I will figure out how to improve the quality of range balls. And to all driving range owners out there, under no circumstances buy the yellow balls with the black stripes. These are much worse than the red stripes, and no one in their right mind enjoys hitting yellow balls.

Stop thinking stupid!

While playing golf today No Three Putts had a rather sad revelation. Here it is: I played the best golf of my life when I was 15 - 22 years old. As soon as I got out of college my game went right down the toilet. I got my degree and thought I was now smart enough to think about what I do on the golf course. For the last 13 years every damn shot I hit has way too much thought in it. This is how it goes. I get up to the ball and my mind says do this, but don't do that, can't forget this, but you better make sure you do that and under no circumstances do this, that or the other, blah, blah, blah... All of this thinking is horrible. Thinking is the worst thing that has ever happened to my golf game.

Let me explain. When you're young you walk up to the ball and say to yourself I need to get from here to there. That's it. A very simple but effective thought process. At that age I don't remember hitting bad shots like I do now. Yes, I made course management mistakes, but not the stupid things I do now.

Now here's the thought process going on in my head as I address the ball, swing and finally strike that damn white thing. I walk up to the ball, address it and say to myself "self, is the left foot ok? How about the right foot? Hands in place? Ok it's safe to begin the swing...the back swing begins, is my left arm on the plane I want? Wrists cock ok? Did I go back far enough? Too far? Then the down swing starts and honestly I don't know what is happening. How's my weight shifting? What's going on? Did I do this? Did I do that? Why did I take such a big divot? And finally where's the damn ball? It's where? How the heck did it go there? I was playing it here! What did I do wrong? Did anyone see what I did wrong?"

I omitted about 150 other thoughts I have during this grueling and horrific experience known as a golf swing. If I could go back to my youth, before I read golf magazines, before I analyzed golf swings, before I ever thought about what I was doing, I would be a much better golfer. I know there's no going back physically, but if I figure out how to do it mentally, I'll let you know. For those of you that are curious, I shot an 84 today.

Does anyone really play the Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail?

I've never been to Alabama and don't have any immediate plans to go there. Call me ignorant but I have always thought of Alabama as a state comprised of rednecks named Billy Bob. In my mind the entire state is one big Hazzard County, although seeing Daisy Duke wouldn't be so bad. Whenever I read about or watch golf all I ever seem to see ads for is the Robert Trent Jones Golf Trail.

I guess I, like many golfers, have memories from the 1990 PGA Championship at Shoal Creek CC and the racial issues that arose. With that, I want to know why did someone think that Alabama would be a great place for golfers? Golfers aren't exactly the type to go to the Hank Williams Museum. I personally don't know anyone that has ever gone to Alabama for a vacation. Do they even have any good restaurants there? Who really wants to drive 100 miles from one golf course to another? Why not go to Myrtle Beach or Florida where there is quality golf on every corner?

I'll give the RTJ Golf Trail credit that it is definitely marketed properly and there seems to be an unlimited budget with it as well. The people doing the marketing should be commended on their branding. If they are actually getting golfers there to play, then as far as I'm concerned, they are miracle workers. If golfers are going there, these people could probably sell ice to an eskimo.

While I'm at it, why did they pick Robert Trent Jones? Was he really that good of an architect? They keep building new courses and using his name, but do the people in Alabama realize that he died over 4 years ago? I used to play a RTJ course, Lyman Orchards Golf Club, growing up as a kid. I wouldn't consider this a quality golf course by any means, it's OK at best. However, two of my more memorable golf moments were on that golf course. When I was 13 years old I won a tournament there that I was playing in with my grandfather. And when I was 16 I missed a hole in one by less than 3 inches, no big deal, but if it had it gone in I would have won a car.

Until someone from Alabama pays my way up there to play, I'm not going. There are too many other states I'd rather visit and many other golf architects I prefer. I could be wrong, but I doubt the golf in Alabama is worth the trip.

John Daly's having a baby!

At the Telus Skins Game John Daly proudly announced to the world that he is pregnant. John just got up on the 17th tee, lifted his shirt and screamed "this isn't a beer gut, I've got a bun in the oven everybody, the baby is kicking, Little John is friggin kicking, Hank get over here & feel this, hurry." Hank Kuehne promptly placed his hand on the oversized belly and vouched that there is definitely kicking going on in there. Vijay Singh, who can be seen in the background with a big old grin on his face, said "you fat crazy bastard, I can't believe you've got a baby in your belly". Note: Vijay is often heard quoting Austin Powers movies while golfing.



Congratulations John Daly all the best, No Three Putts & the entire golf world are happy for you. Do us all a favor, next time you have the urge to pull your shirt up and show off your excess lard, don't.

Hat or Visor? Here's how to decide.

My entire life I've been a fan of wearing the traditional baseball style hat when playing golf. I pretty much always labeled a guy wearing a visor as a sissy or a tennis player. As of late it seems that more and more golfers are wearing visors. What's going on here? Is there a visor revolution going on? I swear I never wore a visor until about 3 weeks ago when I was at a golf shop & said to myself "self, what the heck, go ahead and try on a visor and see what all the rage is about."


Caution: Wearing this visor may cause uncontrollable smiling.

Is a visor a hat with a hole in it? Is a hat a visor without a hole? These are the types of mysteries in life that I lose sleep over thinking about. What is the point of a visor? Surely bald men would not want to wear one. Is there an advantage to wearing a visor over a hat? Yes there is, but only for some of us. I like the feel of a visor and I have always prided myself on having really nice hair. So the big advantage of a visor is I can show off the hair on the top of my head, which luckily isn't balding like many of my friends. That being said, I, No Three Putts, am now a fan of the visor. Now when watching golf you will notice the golfers who are wearing visors and know exactly why they are wearing them. Golfers with a nice head of hair will wear visors, bald guys and guys with ugly hair will be wearing hats.

Something to think about: The great debate of whether to wear a hat or a visor is almost as mind boggling as whether donut holes are really created by making a hole in a donut or just a marketing ploy to get us to buy those delicious little things.

Thanks for nothing Meg Mallon!

Red Sox fans are superstitious people. Only superstitious people could have such a thing as the Curse of the Bambino haunting us since 1918 the last time the Sox won the World Series. With that being said, I want to thank Meg Mallon personally for screwing up the Red Sox chances of winning a World Series this year. How could she do this you ask? Let me tell you what she did.

After winning the US Women's Open on Sunday Meg said "I figure if I can win the US Open, then the Red Sox can win the World Series." My jaw hit the floor when she said this. This quote has JINX written all over it. I know Meg meant no harm by this and she is a big Sox fan, but some things are better left unsaid.

To all golfers out there: talk golf & golf only, do not talk baseball, and never under any circumstances reference the Red Sox.

Ames wins, brother is furious

Stephen Ames won the Cialis Western Open yesterday, but now a family fued has erupted. Older brother Willie Aames can't believe that Stephen has tried to take away his spotlight. Willie's response to his younger brother's victory was "what is his problem? I'm Tommy Bradford, I'm Buddy Lembeck, how does he think he can compete with me? Mom & Dad obviously love me more, I'm a friggin celebrity, I know Scott Baio. Doesn't he watch the reruns? I'm so funny, I make Al Pacino look like a hack."

The competition between brothers started when Willie Aames tried to one up his brother Stephen Ames by adding an extra "A" to his last name in 1976 after the 2nd season of Family. Stephen has been quoted as saying he's always been jealous of the really cool afro Willie has, but he can have the second "A".

US "Teenage" Women's Open

Meg Mallon wins the Open on what is now being referred to as the Britney Spears LPGA Tour. With 16 teens playing in the US Women's Open LPGA Tour commissioner David Fay may have said something like "to attract more top golfers & fans we are talking with Ms. Spears about changing the name of the tour to reflect just how hip golf is to the teenage crowd. We've never marketed to teens and since they're taking over our tour we'd like them to be happy."

Tennis on a golf blog?

When the winner of Wimbledon looks like Maria Sharapova your damn right tennis will be on my golf blog!

If the LPGA tour had hotties in outfits like this, they would have a huge fan base. Move over Anna, there's a new babe in tennis and she can play.

US golfers say "hell no we won't go" to British Open!

Led by rebel golfer Paul Stankowski many top US golfers intentionally skipped the qualifying round at Congressional CC for the British Open. Paul and several other golfers purposely missed their tee times as a form of protest to the lack of good food and cold beer served at Royal Troon. Instead of playing golf they were seen dancing all day and night at a local disco.

Paul Stankowski was also heard as saying something like "I once heard a guy with a British accent say to his girlfriend that my goatee looked stupid. And that really hurts, I put a lot of hard work into this thing."



British organizers of the event are flabbergasted by the lack of enthusiasm from US golfers to come overseas and play. Such tops names as James McLean, Todd Barranger, John Rollins, Patrick Moore, Kevin Na, and Dan Olsen are all part of what British organizers are calling the "Stinky Stanko Gang" who they believe are trying to ruin the British Open. One official said we'll get even with them, we may send them a mean letter and tell them how they hurt our feelings. Way to stick it to 'em there good chap.

US Women's Open fact

I'm not a big fan of women's golf, but I found something interesting and funny regarding the US Women's Open. Here it is...

Who can enter: The Women's Open is open to any professional or amateur golfers who were females at birth.

Is it me or is this just funny? I know they cover everything when writing these rules, but this just cracks me up. Looks like Michael Jackson, Clay Aiken and any guy that drives one of the new Volkswagen 'Bugs' Beetles are eligible to qualify and play if they have a USGA handicap that does not exceed 4.4.

Chi Chi joins Red Sox

The struggling Red Sox are in desperate need of a solid 4th starter. They have taken a rather unusual step in recruiting golf funny man Chi Chi Rodriguez. The young General Manager of the Red Sox, Theo Epstein, was heard as saying something like "the Yankees always seem to struggle with knuckleballer Tim Wakefield, just wait until Chi Chi shows them his 'Three Fingered Salsa Dancin' Slider' they'll be running to the dugout crying like little babies".

(AP Photo/Elise Amendola)
Chi Chi claims he can throw in excess of 43 MPH when he gets all of his 5' 7" 120 pounds into it.