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January 10, 2010

Comedian Argus Hamilton on Tiger Woods

One of my favorite sections of the Palm Beach Post on Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading Comedian Argus Hamilton's offbeat take on what's happening in the world.

And lately Hamilton has has a field day with Tiger Woods... and that's what I thought I'd share with you today. So, here's what Argus Hamilton has written over the last 6 weeks on Tiger:

1-10-10: Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday seeking a three hundred million dollar divorce settlement. She could be the one who gets all the golfing equipment endorsements from now on. Who wouldn't want to buy the clubs that beat Tiger?

1-7-10: Brit Hume said on Fox News Sunday that Tiger Woods should convert from his Buddhist faith to Christianity as a way to change his life. The golfer is well on his way. He gave every comedian in the United States thirty minutes for Christmas.

1-6-10: Tiger Woods lost his lucrative AT&T endorsement deal on Friday. He was calling fifteen mistresses every morning, texting them all afternoon, and having phone sex with them every night. AT&T had no choice, the employee discount was breaking the company.

1-5-10: The New York Post quoted Tiger Woods' close friends who say he's shopping for rehabs. There aren't that many to choose from. Addiction to cocktail waitresses is fairly common but the number of people who want to kick the habit is fairly small.

12-30-09: Christmas Day began a media frenzy over the attempted bombing of the Northwest flight. The whole world focused on the al-Qaeda bomber from Nigeria and the Dutch hero who saved that plane. It's the first peaceful day Tiger Woods has had in a month.

12-29-09: Golf Digest suspended Tiger Woods's monthly instructional golf articles Friday, continuing his free-fall in sponsor support. Not all of Tiger's corporate sponsors have bailed out. Until an ugly mistress turns up, Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.

12-27-09: Tiger Woods's wife Elin reportedly hired Beverly Hills divorce attorney Sorrell Trope. She's angry that Tiger won't go to rehab for sex and drugs. A married man can forget his mistakes, there is no use two people remembering the same thing.

12-25-09: Tiger Woods's mistresses were analyzed by region Monday and it was found that most of the women who admitted having affairs with him live in Las Vegas. After a month of revelations, one thing is clear. The only thing that stays in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.

12-24-09: Mattel's Barbie doll was reported the top selling Christmas toy this year. She is completely up-to-date. Barbie's Dream House now has a nine-iron in the umbrella stand in case Ken starts going to the toy stores and looking at the other Barbie dolls.

Tiger Woods's wife Elin contacted a divorce lawyer on Friday after a fifteenth mistress came out to the tabloids. The list keeps growing. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.

12-23-09: John Daly went on CBS News Monday to show that he just lost one hundred pounds with lap band surgery. He was able to cure his problem with surgery. If Elin Woods had picked up a scalpel instead of a nine-iron the same might be said for Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods caught heat from civil rights leaders Monday about all fifteen of his mistresses being white and none of them being black. You can understand their outrage. President Eisenhower used to send in the National Guard over ratios like this.

12-22-09: Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan publicly begged Tiger Woods to contact them Friday. He's changed his cell phone number and gone underground. If they can switch his addiction from sex to gambling they can save his career because cards don't talk.

Tiger Woods was named Athlete of the Decade by the Associated Press last week. His career is by no means over. In addition to going after Jack Nicklaus's record for most majors he's now in sight of Michael Jordan's record for biggest divorce settlement.

Tiger Woods was reported house hunting in France to escape his daily shaming in the U.S. and British media. The idea isn't new. Two centuries ago Thomas Jefferson purchased Louisiana so he could enjoy an occasional weekend getaway from the Puritans.

12-20-09: London bookmakers began laying odds on how much money Tiger Woods will have to shell out in a divorce settlement with Elin Nordegren. The overs-and-unders is two hundred million dollars. They already agreed to split the house, he gets the outside.

12-18-09: Tiger Woods's approval ratings tumbled fifty-five points in last week's Gallup Poll. He tied George W. Bush's record fifty-five point drop when the war went wrong. It shows that pronunciation doesn't matter, you can be brought down by Iraq or a rack.

Tiger Woods's doctor was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone. In hindsight you can see it. There were the sudden muscles, the rage, the bad language and the Maris family sitting in the gallery at the last four tournaments.

12-17-09: Tiger Woods registered a fifty-five point approval rating plunge in the Gallup Poll Tuesday with women especially outraged. Sixty-seven percent of all women in America said they're disappointed in him. Each of them thought they were the only one.

The New York Times said Tuesday that Dr. Anthony Galea who treated Tiger Woods in Florida was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs. Now Tiger's in trouble with Anglo-Saxons. That's cheating.

12-16-09: Tiger Woods took a break from the PGA Tour Monday to try to reconcile with his wife and rebuild his image. We've learned one thing. Tiger Woods is an even greater golfer than anyone could have imagined now that we know he never had time to practice.

Jack Nicklaus said Friday Tiger Woods will eventually figure things out and be forgiven by the public. How gracious. Until now Tiger's goal was to break Jack's record for most major career wins and Wilt Chamberlain's record for most career sacks.

12-15-09: The New York Post reported Thursday that Elin Nordegren decided not to divorce Tiger Woods and stay together despite all the cheating and public humiliation. She almost killed her husband. Tiger's just lucky that Charles Barkley is her swing coach.

Tiger Woods was caught by the tabloids picking up Orlando waitress Mindy Lawton and having sex in his car in a church parking lot. No wonder he got caught. When you're carrying on like that it's a really bad idea to give God your exact coordinates.

12-13-09: Tiger Woods was publicly advised by addiction experts to go to rehab at Sierra Tucson. He's so competitive. Even when he took the twenty-question quiz to find out if he's a sex addict he shot a perfect twenty and got an endorsement deal from Trojan.

Yahoo said the Tiger Woods scandal is the best thing for web traffic since Michael Jackson's death. It's a foolproof mixture of fame, money, sex and Vicodin. Amtrak will be profitable if they can think of a way to put advertising next to a train wreck.

12-11-09: U.S. Congressman Joe Baca withdrew his bill to award Tiger Woods a Congressional Gold Medal Wednesday. It wasn't a decision made lightly. Congress reviewed all the records for screwing people and decided they deserve to keep all the medals themselves.

Yahoo reported that the Tiger Woods scandal resulted in a huge boom for Web traffic at gossip sites. Nobody knows if these stories are credible. It's well known that a lie can make it halfway around the world and back before Tiger can get his pants on.

Gatorade announced Tuesday it's dropping its Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. The name has taken on a negative association. To avoid the same problem the Detroit Tigers are going to change their name to the Michigan Tigers.

12-10-09: Florida police issued an eyewitness report saying Tiger Woods was drinking alcohol the night of his wreck. He also had prescriptions for Ambien and Vicodin. Just add a car to this combination and it's easier to crash than a White House state dinner.

Gatorade dropped plans Tuesday to market a Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. It's formulated to improve stamina and concentration. Instead of Tiger they're going to hire Dave Letterman to endorse the drink and call it Pace Yourself.

Tiger Woods's wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday to have bought a home in Sweden and moved out of their Florida house. It couldn't last forever. For years he did a great job of keeping her in line, no matter how many women were ahead of her.

12-9-09: Golf Digest's cover article, printed too soon to retract, is called Top Ten Tips Obama Can Take from Tiger Woods. The cover shows Tiger posing as the president's caddy. Next month's cover shows Bill Clinton caddying and giving tips to Tiger Woods.

The National Enquirer got pictures of Tiger Woods picking up a Florida pancake house waitress and going back to her trailer home. No wonder he got caught. If you engage in this kind of behavior long enough eventually you're going to meet Paula Jones.

Tiger Woods offered his wife fifty million dollars Friday as his facial wounds healed. It was ever thus. Someday writers of love songs are going to be held liable for the damages caused by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.

12-8-09: Swedish golf star Jesper Parnevik said last week he regretted fixing up his children's nanny Elin with Tiger Woods in the first place. The rules of golf are strict. You're allowed to have fourteen clubs in your bag, however you are not allowed to have a club hostess.

Tiger Woods absolved his wife Elin of all wrongdoing Wednesday, saying she was blameless in their domestic spat. What choice does he have? If his wife goes to prison for attacking him with a golf club he'll have to start paying a babysitter.

Tiger Woods was overheard Thursday begging mistress Jamiee Grubbs to remove her name from her caller ID number. It was urgent. His wife scrolled through his list of callers and she refused to believe that Jamiee Grubbs was a luncheonette in Augusta.

Elin Woods was reportedly holding a pitching wedge or a sand wedge when police found her standing over her bloodied husband. There's a big difference between the two clubs. You use a pitching wedge to cut a lip and a sand wedge to crush a skull.

12-6-08: Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Wednesday. He cheated on his wife with a mistress, cheated on the mistress with a waitress, then cheated on the waitress with the hostess. Nobody bought his original story that he signed the wrong scorecard.

Tiger Woods was reported on CNBC to have offered Elin fifty-five million dollars to stay in the marriage for seven years and never tell her story. This might work out. It could put the spice back in the marriage if she takes money to sleep with him.

Nike and Gatorade and Gillette backed Tiger Woods on Thursday. The endorsement contracts have a morals clause. It cancels the deal if he does something the company considers immoral like, for instance, if Tiger starts flipping houses they don't have to pay him.

L.A. waitress Jamiee Grubbs played a recorded message from Tiger Woods asking her to hide the affair. She's a cocktail waitress and a receptionist at a medical marijuana store. That means she's just a cocaine connection away from earning her masters in Los Angeles studies.

Tiger Woods's neighbors said both Tiger's mother and his mother-in-law were in the house when he crashed. It won't happen again. The NFL has agreed to air games next Thanksgiving until two in the morning to keep relatives from talking to each other.

12-4-08: Tiger Woods apologized for his transgressions Tuesday as proof of his adultery surfaced. He cheated on his wife with a mistress then he cheated on his mistress with a waitress. Premier Silvio Berlusconi just awarded him Italy's Medal of Freedom.

Tiger Woods came clean about his adultery Tuesday when sordid and sleazy voicemails he left for his mistress were aired. It had to be a humbling moment for the greatest golfer ever. For all his titles and all his victories, sex remains undefeated.

12-3-08: President Obama gave a speech Tuesday detailing how he plans to get out of Afghanistan. He pre-empted A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. It'll air next week unless it's pre-empted by Tiger Woods's speech detailing how he plans to get out of the house.

Tiger Woods was named as a lover by a Las Vegas waitress Monday. His wife will come out of this fine. By the time this is over Elin will have her name on a new line of golf clubs with the shafts bent exactly in the shape of her husband's profile.

Florida police cited Tiger Woods for careless driving Tuesday, however his wife Elin is not out of trouble for smashing the Escalade window with a golf club. The law's clear. Cadillac is owned by the taxpayers and it's a crime to deface U.S. currency.

12-2-08: President Obama was shown in a photo with Michaela Salahi at a polo match five years ago. The beautiful blonde somehow got into the state dinner without an invite. Tiger Woods called the president and told him not to leave the golf clubs by the door.

Florida cops investigated the car crash that ended up with Tiger Woods knocked out and his wife holding a golf club over him. They say no alcohol was involved. It's a perfect chance for John Daly to step forward and point out that sobriety kills.

Tiger Woods announced Monday he's canceling his appearance at the charity golf tourney he sponsors in suburban Los Angeles. He explained in a prepared statement that he was injured. You don't need to look at his MRI to see that he pulled a Clinton.

12-1-08: The global climate conference meets in Copenhagen this week to propose national controls on industry and people to battle global warming. It's a phantom issue. Last night it was so cold in Florida that Tiger Woods' wife was sticking to her story.

Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while backing out of his driveway in his Escalade. Scrutiny was intense. Johnny Miller said considering the narrowness of the driveway and the placement of the fire hydrant, he should have gone with the Buick.

Tiger Woods was found by cops Thursday lying on the street bleeding with his Swedish blonde wife standing over him with a six-iron. How chilling. It made people wonder for the first time in fifteen years if it's possible that O.J. killed Nicole in self-defense.

A special thanks to Argus Hamilton for letting me reprint his words. To find out more on Hamilton or how to book him to speak please CLICK HERE to visit his website.

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