Great Tiger Woods Quotes (Jokes)

Here are some funny Tiger Woods quotes/jokes from David Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, etc...

"Safely land golf cart in the Hudson River." — From David Letterman's Top 10 Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image.

"Today a judge issued an order that requires Tiger Woods to stay 90 feet away from mistletoe." — Letterman.

"Thanks for changing your grip." — From Letterman's Top 10 Text Messages Sent By Tiger Woods.

"Man, it was freezing today in New York! It's like a phone call between Tiger Woods and his wife out there." — Jimmy Fallon.

"Last Friday Tiger Woods hit a tree, and a bunch of ladies fell out." — Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update.

"Starting to feel bad for Tiger Woods. This has become almost as hard to watch as golf." — Stephen Colbert, of The Colbert Report.

"One of Tiger's mistresses was a British broadcaster. His nickname for her was 'The British Open.' " — Conan O'Brien.

"In terms of the temperature going up and up, we are making some progress today. Over in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods." — Letterman.

"CBS announced today they're cancelling As the World Turns. Don't worry though, if you're addicted to the twisted plots, the intrigue, the illicit sex, you can still watch golf." — Craig Ferguson, of The Late Late Show.

"Friend of mine was shopping for a present for a boy, he saw a Tiger Woods action figure and said to his wife, 'Let's get him this, and 11 Barbie dolls.' " — Scott Ostler, The San Francisco Chronicle.

"Rapper 50 Cent is saying that Tiger Woods never would have been caught if he had been more 'gangster.' In response, Tiger said 50 Cent would have never been shot nine times if he had been more 'golfer.' " — O'Brien.

"ABC News is reporting that Tiger's wife Elin is planning to file for divorce, citing irreconcilable waitresses." — Jimmy Kimmel.

"When Tiger is running around, does he wear Nike sneakers?" — Ostler.

"Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is re-evaluating their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. Which is ironic, because in order to schedule a career, a wife and 14 mistresses, you need a really good watch." — O'Brien.