Ball markers on golf gloves

Why do golf glove manufacturers waste their money by putting ball markers on golf gloves? I honestly don't understand this. First of all they are way too small. Next, I always lose the damn things. They never stay on the glove. Every time I get a new golf glove I have the intention of using these silly little things, but by the time I get to the second green it's always gone. They just seem to magically disappear.

You all know what I'm talking about, you'd have to be some sort of anal retentive weirdo if you can get one of these lousy ball markers to last for more than one round.

Woody Austin: Wins Buick, Wears Ugliest Shirts on Tour

Congrats to Woody Austin on winning the Buick Challenge. Maybe now Woody Austin can afford some golf shirts that don't look like rejects from the Crayola factory. I honestly think the reason Woody had not won in 9 years is because of the ugliness of the shirts he wears.

I suggest those of you with weak stomachs not look at the images below.



My theory on why Woody Austin had not won in 9 years is this: Woody wears some of the ugliest golf shirts ever made. His shirts have so many things going on and so many different colors, he gets distracted. These distractions cause Woody Austin's eyes to lose their focus on the ball which in turn causes poor golf shots. I suggest now that you have made a nice check Woody, you hire someone to pick out some shirts that are not so busy. Perhaps one simple color or maybe a stripe or two. And while you're at it, burn all of the ugly shirts in your closet.

Commercials are back at the Masters

All good things must come to an end and next years Masters will not be commercial free. The Masters, which became the first commercial free sporting event on network TV in 2003, now has 3 new sponsors. The Masters has signed up IBM, ExxonMobil and SBC Communications as sponsors.

The good news is Hootie Johnson will add 90 minutes of TV coverage to offset the commercials. The bad news is we won't have commercial free golf for the Masters.

Of course, big mouth Martha Burk has already made statements with her disappointment in the sponsors, blah, blah, blah. The usual crap is coming out of her mouth and we all know we'll see her group out there protesting next year.

I commend Hootie Johnson for not commenting on Burk's rhetoric. As I've said before, leave Augusta National alone Martha Burk. Although I liked the commercial free golf, in order to run such a great tournament it was inevitable that sponsors would be needed to offset the costs. I give these 3 companies credit for overlooking this woman and her organizations ignorance. The CEO's of all 3 companies happen to be lucky enough to be members of Augusta National. All I can say is I hope they read this blog and want to invite me out there for a round.

How did I play?

When I start a round with a double bogey it can be a sign of a long day on the golf course. Yesterday that was not really the case. Although I did not score that great I was striking the ball nicely. I've been working on my swing quite a bit and although I was hitting the ball well, my distance was all messed up. I was at least one iron short of what I usually hit. My chipping, which usually saves me, got a lot of practice, because I was coming up short on most approach shots, and left me with too many long putts. My chipping now needs to be my focal point if I want to start scoring.

On the bright side, my putter did not let me down. I had 5 one putts and one damn 3 putt. I ended up taking 30 putts. If my chipping had been half of what it usually is I probably would have taken around 25 putts. Regardless, I did have 2 sweet birdies. I had one on the front nine when I drained a 35 footer and one on the back nine when I sank a fairly easy 15 foot putt.

I ended up shooting an 86 which is acceptable because I have not played in 6 weeks. I shot a 44 on the front and 42 on the back nine. It's always nice when your round gets progressively better. There's nothing worse then ending a round on a bad note which I almost did. On the last hole I hit a nice drive and a decent 6 iron pin high into a bunker about 20 feet from the pin. I then hit a lob wedge out of the bunker to 8 inches, with a tap in for par. I can't wait to play again.

Abacoa Golf Club

Yahoo! No Three Putts is taking the day off and playing golf. I've got a 7:45 tee time at Abacoa Golf Club. I live just down the street from the Abacoa Golf Club. It's a nice Joe Lee design. The course opened in 1999 and is challenging. I usually play the gold tees which the course plays a whopping 7,200 yards from. And with the humidity here in Florida it feels more like 8,000 yards.

What I like about this course is it has some characteristics of a Tom Fazio design. Many holes have shots that you can cut off a lot of yardage if you want to go for it. Granted, if you miss hit it you'll be in the middle of a huge alligator infested lake, but if you're striking the ball well a course like this can be a lot of fun. Also, the greens have a lot undulation and, for Florida, the course is "hilly".

I'll give you an update on how I played later.

Scrambles

Is it me or do scrambles bring out the best and the worst in golfers? Scrambles bring out the best in golfers because you get to try things you would never try in a normal round of golf. And when you get to play with that, I'm gonna go for it attitude, you hit shots that you'll be talking about for weeks.

At the same time scrambles bring out the worst in golfers for the same reason they bring out the best. You try stupid shots that you have no chance in making but figure what the heck there's 3 other guy's in this group in case I screw up.

Now if you're the best golfer in the group many times you have the honor of hitting last. This way if someone else hits a decent shot you can really try something stupid. Or if everyone else in the group screwed up you don't get to go for it, you have to play the safe shot.

I enjoy playing in scrambles for several reasons: They are usually played on weekdays which means a day out of the office. Also, most of the time work pays for the foursome. You get to try golf shots you would never try in a normal round. Usually there are pretty good gift bags and prizes. The hole-in-one and long drive contests are always fun. And of course the free food and drinks on the course during the round. And if there's a buffet afterwards, you got the bonus plan baby.

Buick Championship

Tomorrow, in Cromwell, CT, is the kickoff of the former Sammy Davis Jr. Greater Hartford Open, Canon Greater Hartford Open and last year the sponsorless Greater Hartford Open. The new name is the Buick Championship. I have to be honest this is my fourth favorite tournament to watch. Right behind the Masters, US Open & British Open is this little tournament at the TPC River Highlands.

You might be thinking to yourself why in the hell would No Three Putts like this tournament so much. Here's why: I grew up in a little town, Portland, CT, right across the river from Cromwell. When I was 16 years old my first job was as a cart attendant at the former TPC of CT, now the TPC River Highlands. I worked as a cart attendant for 3 summers and on the grounds crew for 2 summers at this great golf course. I still thank my lucky stars the day I got the call from Robert Earl Harper, the head pro, telling me I got the job. I don't know what ever happened to Robert, but if there's a pro with this name at a club you play at, please drop me a line, I'd love to catch up with him.

Of course the week of the tournament was always the highlight of the summer. My role as a cart attendant switched to a driving range ball guy. Besides meeting all of the pros I also got to meet Michael Jordan, Sammy Davis Jr. and many other celebrities at the pro-am. One memory I'll never forget was when Peter Jacobsen missed the cut one year, not the fact that he missed the cut, there was a big party on the Friday night of the tournament, Peter had way too many beers, and he got up on the stage with a basketball and told jokes. The guy is hysterical. The two summers I worked on the grounds crew the week of the tournament meant working around 80 hours. The overtime was sweet. I remember double and triple cutting greens before the sun came up.

I tell ya, those were the days. I used to make good money, work on the best golf course in the area and get free golf. I hope my kids have summer jobs that will provide them with the great memories that I have. Here's a few of my former co-workers from the TPC of CT that I had great times with during the summers of '85-'89: Harry B, Bryan M, David B, Tad P, Kyle K, Beth "Pebbles", Pete Stank, Dave "Pez", Wayner, Cara A, Kelly, Geno, Chris "Walrus", Malloy, Scooter and I'm sure there are many I am leaving out, but thanks y'all we had some great summers.

When you see the big lake on 15,16 & 17 this year, think about this: One year the water got extremely low and a pipe was showing, the pipe was right in front of the 17th green. So a volunteer was needed to swim out to the pipe and cut it. Well, No Three Putts was like, I'll do it. As disgusting as the water was to swim in, I successfully completed my mission. For doing this I got a sweet bonus, I was named employee of the week and got a $50 gift certificate to the pro shop. Ah, the little things in life you never forget.

Hank Haney Golf Ranch, Y'all

Hank Haney owns and operates the Hank Haney Golf Ranch, located in McKinney, Texas. Hank Haney has taught hundreds of pros including Mark O'Meara, Kelli Kuehne and Hank Kuehne. Hank has also been seen on ranges working with Tiger Woods. Although neither Tiger nor Hank will admit that they are working together. Many golf experts, including Butch Harmon, have said Tiger's swing has many similarities to the type of swing that Hank Haney teaches. I hear the name Hank Haney a lot and I see him on golf shows and in magazines. So I decided to read up on just what it is that Hank Haney teaches. And why I or any golfer would pay to go to his ranch (not to be confused with the Bunny Ranch) and be taught his way of golfing. Here's Hank Haney's teaching philosophy: Have a correct swing plane.

It's that simple. Hank Haney teaches his students how to understand the flight of their golf ball by having a correct swing plane. Here's the way Hank describes it "My philosophy as a teacher is to teach my students to become their own best teacher by getting them to understand the flight of the golf ball and how it relates to the swing, with emphasis on swinging the golf club on their own correct swing plane".

Here's what No Three Putts makes of this: Hank Haney is probably a pretty good teacher. I like the fact that he realizes that each golfer has their own unique swing plane. My swing is different than yours and everyone else's... There are too many golf instructors out there that think they are working an assembly line and teach each golfer the same exact thing. Kind of like the crappy instructions you get in golf magazines. They will not work for everyone. The one thing about Hank Haney's teaching that makes me scratch my head is his emphasis on the flight of the ball. Although I understand how it relates to the swing, I'm not sure that it matters that much. If he fixes my swing, the ball should fly properly, end of story. Whether it goes high, low or somewhere in between, if I have been given the proper instruction it should be going where I want it to and that's what's important.

And as for the Hank Haney Power Connection training tool: It'll be a cold day in hell before No Three Putts straps this concoction on his back.

Caddyshack, more than a movie

"It's easy to grin. When your ship comes in. And you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, is the man who can smile. When his shorts aren't too tight in the seat." Judge Smails

What's a golf blog without Caddyshack? It's like a cheeseburger without cheese. It's like wiping your ass before you take a dump. It just makes no sense. So I thought in my first mention of this classic movie that we all know and love I'd give you a little quiz. Make sure you are Caddyshack worthy.

These are fairly easy, if you get more than one wrong, please go home immediately and watch Caddyshack repeatedly for the rest of the day. Go ahead and tell your boss No Three Putts said it was ok.

1. Name each of the three ways that Carl tried to kill the gopher.
2. What brand of candy bar is thrown in the pool and mistaken for a brown trout?
3. Name the five luxury functions of Al Czervik's golf bag.
4. What should Al Czervik have yelled instead of fore?
5. How does Ty measure himself against other golfers?
6. What did the Dalai Lama say to Carl in the original tongue?
7. Name each of the three authors of the Caddyshack script proper.
8. What does the bishop say right before he's struck by lightning?
9. Which scene precedes the bishop's quest for the perfect round of golf?
10. During the final round of golf, what does Lou make a side bet on?
11. What business does Ty own but not necessarily run?
12. What reason does Ty give for not sitting down in Carl's apartment?
13. What's the name of the judge's newly christened yacht? What's the name of the yacht that hits it?
14. To what value did Lou raise the price of Coke, and why did he raise it?
15. What music plays when the golf course explodes.
(If you need them, the answers are below)

1. Flooding (hose), shooting (rifle), blowing up (plastic explosive decoys)
2. Baby Ruth
3. Radio, TV, beer tap, phone, club launcher
4. Two
5. Height
6. Gunga Lagunga
7. Brian Doyle-Murray, Harold Ramis, Doug Kenney
8. Rat fart
9. Carl Spackler's soliloquy: Cinderella story..."it's in the hole..."
10. The Smails kid picks his nose and then eats it.
11. 2 lumberyards
12. He doesn't want to stick to anything
13. "The Flying Wasp" and "Seafood"
14. 50 cents, because he was losing at the track
15. Tchaikovsky, 1812 Overture

Here's a couple of useful sites for Caddyshack quotes: Garners Classics and Carl Spackler.com. A round of golf without a: "Noonan", "It's in the hole" & "Cinderella Story" is not a round of golf, but then again "A donut without a hole is a danish." Golf would not be the same without Caddyshack. Danny, Lacey Underall, Ty, Al, Spaulding, Judge, Carl, Lou and of course Wang: THANK YOU.

Your son's 1st PGA Tour event

Taking your son to his first PGA Tour event makes for a very special day. A day that will give you both memories that will last a lifetime. One young boy and his father will definitely not forget the Saturday round of the NEC Invitational. An errant tee shot by Tiger Woods on the 8th hole dinged the young boy in the noggin. This sent the father and son off the course with the paramedics.

A summary of this father son trip to the NEC Invitational:

Cost of two tickets to the NEC: $50
Lunch for two: $28
A set of matching souvenir visors: $40

An autographed golf glove from Tiger Woods after smacking your son in the head with a bad drive: Worthless

I would have expected a little more if my son had been dinged in the head from Tiger Woods. A lousy $25 golf glove, big deal. This boy is scarred for life. He'll probably never want to be around a golf course ever again. I can only hope Tiger has the decency to call this kid, maybe send him some golf clubs, balls, and other golf paraphenelia to encourage him to get out there and play.

On the other hand: An autographed golf glove from Phil Mickelson: Priceless

My first tour event was the 1981 Sammy Davis Junior Greater Hartford Open. At the time the event was played at the Wethersfield Country Club. Now it is played down the road in Cromwell at the TPC River Highlands.

A golf joke...

A man takes the day off from work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Golf gloves

The other day I was sitting in my office at work when a female co-worker comes in says "Hey, I watched the golf tournament this weekend." I was like "That's nice, I didn't know you liked golf."

Then she blindsides me with a golf question. She asks me "why do golfers wear only one glove? Can't they afford two? Ha, ha, ha." Then she blindly stared at me waiting for an answer to this most elementary question.

I was like, "Uh, uh, that's a good question. Hmmm, why do golfers only wear one glove?" I had to think back to the basics and then I gave her an in depth explanation filled with more BS and useless information about golf gloves, the golf swing, the importance of each hand in a golf swing... She got the bonus plan baby!

This got me thinking as to how golfers who have been playing for a while tend to overlook, or just don't think about the little things that are so essential. Seriously, why didn't she ask me about Vijay Singh's driver, Chris Riley's putter, or what type of ball Phil Mickelson plays. A real golf question. I was dumbfounded when asked why golfers only wear one glove, but at the same time I thought it was an amazing and observant question to ask.

I'm sure next week she'll ask me what color tee makes the ball go farther, but for now I am going to watch golf with a different eye and see if this leads to some interesting questions of my own.

Golf Blog? No Three Putts what's a golf blog?

When I started this golf blog a few months ago I said to my family and friends "hey check out my golf blog, it's called No Three Putts." Here's what they had to say:

Golf Blog, WTF is that? (from my sister in CT who has an ever so eloquent way of saying things)
A what? (My Valley Girl sister in LA)
Golf blog? Do a porn site. (My buddy in Denver)
Great, now you won't talk to me about golf all the time. (My wife)
You suck & so does your golf game. (One of my golfing buddies from Jupiter)
Golf blog, sounds interesting, no clue what it is, but I'll check it out. (Thanks Dad)
I didn't know you were literate, nonetheless have the ability to write. (A roommate from Franklin Pierce College)
Who the hell is going to read a golf blog? (Too many people to list)

No Three Putts the golf blog is off to a great start. I've been mentioned in Golf World Magazine, on FoxSportsNewEngland.com and even the king of all blogs the Instapundit has mentioned this golf blog.

To my readers I thank you for reading the banter I post. In the next month or two No Three Putts will be making a major announcement that is sure to rock the golf world. Can't say what it is now, but good things are a coming.

If you have any golf related topic that you want my thoughts on drop me a line. If you see an interesting golf picture or story send me a link. The one thing I will encourage you to do is forward a link to No Three Putts to all the golfers you know. Tell them you found: A golf blog with some balls!

Tiger Woods is a cry baby!

Is Tiger Woods the biggest whiner on tour? I'm not a fan of Tiger's to begin with, but when I hear him making excuses I get irritated. His group got a warning for slow play at the PGA Championship which made him lose his concentration, and then he heard a camera click which also threw him for a loop.

Here's what Tiger had to say "it's happened three times this week, and it's cost me four shots, it gets you completely out of rhythm. You're not used to hearing cameras go off when you're playing golf. And I should get my focus back, but I didn't do it."

He is correct when he says you're not used to cameras going off when playing golf. Key word being you're. Correct, I am not used to hearing a camera click on the golf course. But for the most photographed golfer in the world to say he's not used to a camera clicking when he's on the golf course is beyond ridiculous.

Tiger Woods please stop giving us these lame excuses. Admit it, you are no longer the feared golfer you once were. The competition has caught up to you and you're having a problem dealing with it. How you can still be the No. 1 ranked player in the world I'll never know. At least your thug of a caddy, Steve Williams, didn't steal anyone's camera or beat anyone up at this tournament.

Interesting, but sad, fact

Do you know who's the only PGA Tour golfer to lose a playoff in every major?

Jupiter Island resident Greg Norman has this honor. Greg lost playoffs at the following majors:

1984 US Open
1987 Masters
1989 British Open
1993 PGA Championship

I'd feel bad for Greg, but heck if he has enough money to live on Jupiter Island, it's hard to feel sorry for him.

Larry Nelson's going to Q-School?

Larry Nelson, the same guy who has won 3 majors & 18 times on the Champions Tour, is thinking about entering Q-School this fall. Larry, who will be 57 next month, has not won on the PGA Tour since 1998.

Here's what Larry Nelson had to say "I'm seriously thinking about it if the dates work out, it's not that I necessarily want to play the Tour again. It would be kind of fun to go through the school. It's probably the best competition I'll have for a while." No Three Putts says "I don't see you winning every week on the Champions Tour, I think you should stick to competition your own age."

Is he out of his friggin head? I think senility is setting in early. He was a great golfer many moons ago, but to go out & try and keep up with these young guns is ridiculous. If he ever wants to get in the World Golf Hall of Fame embarrassing himself at Q-School certainly does not help matters. The young golfers will be out driving him by 50 yards.

And should Larry Nelson play good and actually qualify then what? Does he go play on the PGA Tour? Or does he just say, no thanks, just thought it would be fun to try and qualify. I had dinner with two guys who play on the Golden Bear Tour the other night. They'll be putting up the $4,500 to go to Q-School. I don't think either one of them will be too happy if Larry Nelson should qualify.

Larry Nelson, here's what No Three Putts has to say: "If you are going through a late mid-life crisis, go get yourself a sports car. Don't go to Q-School."

Ryder Cup picks

Today is the day. The final two Ryder Cup picks will be made by Hal Sutton. Here's what the team looks like as of now:

Tiger Woods
Phil Mickelson
Davis Love
Jim Furyk
Kenny Perry
David Toms
Chad Campbell
Fred Funk
Chris DiMarco
Chris Riley

Who will the final two picks be? I think Jay Haas is an automatic pick for Hal and the last pick I'd guess Hal will go with is Jeff Maggert.

If it were up to me I would go with Todd Hamilton and Scott Verplank. But obviously I won't be making the final two picks again this year.

PGA Championship Summary: Boring

The performance of the leaders yesterday led to what I think was a rather boring day of golf. Usually the last round of a major is exciting. There's usually at least one player that plays great and makes a charge to win. Yesterday was different. The enthusiasm was lacking. Whoever screwed up the least was going to win. The saving grace for the PGA Championship this year was the fact that Whistling Straits is such a great golf course for television.

Something to ponder: Did Vijay win the tournament or did Justin Leonard lose it. I hate to see a golfer choke, but Justin choked big time.

Vijay Singh who dresses you?

As a golfer and hero to many young children, Vijay Singh should not be allowed to dress himself anymore when playing on national television. Vijay Singh looked like a little old man wearing that very feminine cardigan sweater vest today.

Although the outcome was favorable for Vijay, it's almost hard to say the best man won when the winner was wearing a sweater like that.


There's a very upset & cold old man at a nursing home somewhere in Wisconsin looking for his sweater vest.

Bonehead of the day: Stuart Appleby

Shame on Stuart Appleby and his caddie for not knowing the rules at Whistling Straits. Stuart shot a 68 on Saturday, but was assessed a pair of two-stroke penalties on the par 5 16th hole.

Stuart thought the bunker outside of the yellow ropes was being played as "through-the-green". He not only moved dead grass but he also grounded his club. These violations turned his "par" into a quadruple bogey 9.

Here's what Stuart had to say "everyone has been walking through that bunker, so I didn't think it was a bunker, I could have saved four shots by reading a piece of paper inside the locker room."

Stuart Appleby, congratulations, you are the "Bonehead of the Day."

No. 17 a Briny Killer

It's amazing how one bad shot can kill a round, nonetheless a golfers chances of winning his first golf tournament. This was the case for Briny Baird on no. 17 yesterday. It was bad enough that it took him 3 shots to get onto the green at the long par three, but then to three putt really ruined his round and chances for a win. Keep plugging away Briny, you'll win one of these days.

Phil Mickelson, did you see what I saw?

Did anyone else notice something rather peculiar about Phil Mickelson after he completed the 18th hole today? It was rather sad actually. When Phil completed the 18th hole he attempted to jog up the hill to sign his scorecard. There were two things that were disturbing about this.

1. Phil's man boobs were bouncing like those of a woman with a set of 34 D's.
2. Phil struggled to make it to the top of the hill. It almost looked like he was going to have to stop and take a breather.

Word of advice to Phil: Hit the gym & get on a diet. Also, kick some ass tomorrow.

Briny Baird

Nice to see fellow Jupiter resident Briny Baird near the top of the leaderboard at the PGA Championship. I would be thrilled to see Briny Baird win this week. Briny has not won in 9 years on tour, but he has had some 2nd place finishes.

The first time you hear the name Briny Baird it makes you scratch your head and say "what in the hell kind of name is Briny?" It's a nickname that Briny has had since age 3. His mother called him Briny after a character in Herman Wouk's book The Winds of War.

I like Briny's sponsorship with Canon and the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). At each PGA Tour event a photo of a local missing child is placed on his golf bag to raise awareness of missing children in the United States. It's good to see a golfer doing something to help children.

Briny's got golf in his blood, his father is Butch Baird, a member of the Champions Tour. Briny Baird, a Valdosta State graduate, says his biggest thrill in golf was "repeating as Division II champion and ending amateur career with a win."

I'd love to see Briny Baird become a 1st time winner this weekend. GO BRINY!

Golf ball of the month club

BigGopher.com is a new website which offers a golf ball of the month club. And as much as I think this is a good idea, I also think this is a bad idea. As a golfer, I don't think any golfers are going to join. Half the fun of buying golf balls is going to the pro shop or golf store to check out all of the equipment, clothing and accessories. Also, for a start-up company to have to maintain an inventory of golf balls could be fairly expensive. My guess is they buy balls once a month based on what they need and don't actually keep any inventory.

So I was thinking to myself who in the hell is going to join Big Gopher? Surely not a golfer. But wait, many golfers have wives. That's it, they are going to market to women. Now this would be a nice gift to get from the Mrs. Something I'll actually use. I've sent friends beer of the month club and coffee of the month club memberships as gifts and they love it. So why not send a golfer golf balls? It now makes sense to me. Good luck to the golf ball of the month club, hopefully Mrs. No Three Putts will read this and take it as a hint.

The PGA Championship a Minor Major

The PGA Championship starts today on the golf course of the billionaire bathroom accessory guy. You know who I mean, Herb Kohler, his name is on and around every toilet in the country. (If you've never read a toilet website the descriptions are pretty funny) I like this Herb Kohler fellow. The first reason is because my ass enjoys the comfort of the Kohler toilet in my bathroom and number two (no pun intended) because Herb set out to design as difficult a golf course as he possibly could. Here's a quote from Herb Kohler regarding why he wanted to have Pete Dye design such a tough course: "we just want to see the best in the world tested, so we can see the aspects of their mental makeup, their emotional makeup and their courage."

At 7,514 yards Whistling Straits is the longest golf course ever in a major. Three par-4s are at least 500 yards, one par-5 that is 618 yards and over 1,000 bunkers, Whistling Straits is: a golf course with some balls.

The one big problem I am going to have with the PGA Championship is if the pros start bitching that the course is too difficult. I am sure the tour officials won't make the same mistakes they made at the US Open with the greens. But if I hear one guy complain that there are too many bunkers, it's too windy or the course is too long I am going to go nuts! No one complains as golf technology continues to make advances, and no one should complain when new golf courses are built to challenge the modern golfer.


#17 - 223 yard par 3 - this should be a fun hole to watch. One thing I really like about this course is that although it's a links course, the fairways and greens are the correct color: green. I hope every greenskeeper in Ireland, Scotland and England are watching and taking notes. I also hope I don't see any of those stupid cheesehead hats in the gallery and while I'm at it no Packers shirts either.

Carolyn Kepcher, The Apprentice & Trump Golf

The season premiere of The Apprentice begins on September 9th. As that date nears I was not sure how many people out there are familiar with the woman in the board room with the Donald. Her name is Carolyn Kepcher. Carolyn Kepcher has probably got one of the best gigs going. Carolyn is the Chief Operating Officer and General Manager of two Trump golf clubs.

The courses Carolyn Kepcher oversees are the Trump National Golf Club in Briarcliff Manor, New York and the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey. For a woman to make it to such a powerful position within the Trump organization must be quite a feat. I don't exactly see Donald Trump as an equal opportunity employer. I did not see much of the first season of the Apprentice, but I'll check out season two.

Donald Trump also has a beautiful golf club, Trump International Golf Club, down here in West Palm Beach. I went to an LPGA event out there a couple of years ago and it really is quite a nice golf club. And for the first time Trump International will be hosting the men's Golf Skills Challenge in November. This Tom Fazio designed course is very similar to two other local Fazio family designed courses that I have played quite a bit, The Jupiter Hills Club and Emerald Dunes.

One thing you'll never hear anyone at Trump mention about Trump International is that it is right next to a prison. The prisoners get a great view of this ultra-exclusive snob factory of a golf course. This isn't some white collar prison either, this is a prison for the bad asses. It seems ironic that such a prestigious golf club is a 7 iron away from a prison.

A view of Trump International. Just a hop, skip & a jump away from Mar-A-Lago. Will someone please tell Donald his golf course looks great but his hair looks horrible.

Rod Pampling wins the International

Rod Pampling's win at the International has broken an Australian record for most wins by Aussies on the PGA Tour in a single season. I was surprised by this. I thought for sure Greg Norman would have made this an untouchable record. Greg and Steve Elkington did have the record of 5 wins combined in a single season back in 1995. But this year there have already been 6 wins by Aussies out of the 33 tournaments. Aussies winning 18% of the events is impressive.

Here's the list of Australian's that have won on the PGA tour this year: Adam Scott has won twice, Stuart Appleby, Craig Parry, Mark Hensby and Rod Pampling have each won once. Obviously Greg and Steve did not have help from any other Aussies back in 1995, but I'd like to think they paved the way for this new round of Aussies coming up here and quietly dominating the PGA Tour.

Pretty soon they're going to start serving vegemite sandwiches at golf tournaments. I guess it's only appropriate that the Outback Steakhouse blimp is covering golf so much this year. Fire me up a Bloomin' Onion.

Cart girls

I don't think I'm alone here when I say "I don't want to see fat, old or ugly cart girls on the golf course". There's nothing better than getting served a nice cold Gatorade from a good looking cart girl when you're out playing with your buddies. It's always a thrill the first time during a round when you spot the cart chick coming over. Every guy in the group always start mumbling to one another, is she hot, what's she look like, can you see her. Before she even gets to your cart a guy knows whether or not he is going to purchase a drink or wait until the next water cooler. If the cart girl is hot, all guy's will be buying a drink.

Here's a bio and picture of a very hot cart girl. You know she must be raking in the tips.


Howdy partner.

This is what we want to see. Pretty, young and a nice body. Good job, you just got yourself a nice tip.

Under no circumstances should a guy ever be driving the beverage & snack cart. If golf clubs want to sell beverages & food out on the golf course, here's a few tips from No Three Putts: Hire pretty females, under 30, with nice bodies and the more leg shown the better. Here's a safe rule of thumb: The better looking the cart girl, the more we're going to buy.

Kelly Tilghman

Kelly Tilghman from The Golf Channel is hot. I don't care what anyone says, she's hot. And to top it off she's a good golfer too. Ok, so I know her voice may be a bit annoying, I've also heard it called manly, but who cares.

How can you not like a woman who's favorite movie is Monty Python's Holy Grail? I'd prefer to look at and listen to Kelly Tilghman over Johnny Miller and Bobby Clampett anyday.

For a recent post on the Tiger Woods lynching comment Click Here.

Jamie Farr Owens Corning Classic

This week the LPGA is playing the Jamie Farr Owens Corning Classic in Sylvania, OH. Why would anyone in their right mind pick Klinger to be the host of a golf tournament? I can hear the folks at the LPGA now "Klinger used to dress like a woman, let's use this cross-dresser who did not want to be in the military for the tournament out in Ohio."


Who's the brain surgeon that picked Klinger?

I think it would have made more sense to have picked any another actor from MASH for this tournament. Instead of the "Klinger Classic" I think the "Hot Lips Houlihan Classic" would have sounded better. Even the "Hawkeye Classic" or the "Radar O'Reilly Classic" would have been a better choice.

Golf fixes

How do I cure a hook?
How do I stop a slice?
How do I hit a fade?
How do I hit a draw?
How do I stop the yips?
Why do I chunk chips?
Why do I always skull it out of the bunker?
How do I hit the ball low?
How do I hit the ball high?
How do I hit from a side hill lie?

This list could go on forever. What is this list all about? These are the types of fixes too many golfers rely on golf magazines for the answers. I see golf magazines as interesting resources for possible ways to remedy items in the list above. But I do not think the golf tips in these magazines are a cure all for everyone.

I look at every golfer and golf swing as being totally unique. There is not one answer that will cure a hook for every golfer. Many of the fundamentals are the same across the board and in theory many of these tips will help or get you on track. But when it comes down to it every golfer has a different body style, different swing...

My point is this, do not rely on golf magazine tips to help your golf game. Take lessons or just go to the range and practice. Many of the problems above can be cured with a little bit of golf knowledge and practice. Also, flip the assistant pro at your club a twenty if you're having a problem, he'll give you 10 minutes of his time to help you. Trust me, I know he will.

Battle at the Bridges

How sweet was it to come home from work on Monday night and watch golf? We all saw the team of Tiger Woods and Hank Kuehne beat Phil Mickelson and John Daly, but what was up with Hank on the front nine? And why did they pick Hank to play over someone like Ernie, Sergio, Davis and the list goes on. I understand he hits a long ball, but his game is not even close to the level of the other 3 guys he played with.

I find it interesting that this was the lowest rated Battle yet. With John Daly playing so well the day before, Tiger starting to play much better and the way crowds just go nuts for Phil, I don't get it. Perhaps ABC didn't promote the event enough. Whatever the case may be, I wish golf was on every Monday night.

Callaway Golf CEO resigns

The CEO of Callaway Golf, Ron Drapeau, has resigned. Does this really come as a surprise to anyone? I don't think so. Callaway's flagship product, the driver, has become inferior to any new driver Taylor Made has introduced over the last few years. And Callaway has made poor business acquisitions: Top-Flite & Hogan.

I wrote about Callaway and their poor business decisions back in June. At that time I recommended that fans of Callaway equipment wait until the end of the summer to purchase their products. With a new CEO you bet Callaway is going to have aggressive pricing really soon. The new CEO is going to need to boost sales in order to make an impact and to get the board of directors and shareholders to believe in him and Callaway again.

And to the people in the golf forums that bashed me for saying Top-Flite & Hogan were bad acquisitions, I say this. Top-Flite can have all of the technologies and patents in the world, fact is their balls still suck. And, yes, Hogan is a great name, but the fact is the name Hogan does not sell golf equipment.

As far as making business decisions goes Ron Drapeau made 2 bad acquisitions, he forgot about the importance of producing new technology that conforms to USGA specs and most of all he forgot about us the consumers. Good luck to the new CEO, Callaway should be a fairly easy company to turnaround. My guess is by next year at this time Callaway will have a great new driver, the Top-Flite inventory will be dumped and Hogan will be sold.

Tiger Woods new grafalloy blue graphite shaft Nike Ignite driver

To all of you that are thinking of switching to the grafalloy blue graphite shaft Nike Ignite driver that Tiger Woods is now playing, I say don't do it. Although Tiger has been hitting the ball better off the tee than he has in a while, if this driver were so great it would be the buzz of the golf world. You know the buzz, like you hear about Scotty Cameron putters, Pro V1 balls and Natalie Gulbis. The buzz that causes half the players on tour to use the product or check out the hotties LPGA calendar.

This is the third driver that Tiger has played this year, Nike, Titleist, now back to Nike. Who knows what he'll be playing next month. There have been 3 winners this year using this driver, but I am still not sold. Time will tell if Nike really knows how to make golf equipment. I think of Nike as a sneaker and apparel company, not a golf equipment company.

Martha Burk leave Augusta National alone

The town of Augusta, GA has agreed to pay Martha Burk's attorneys a sum of $120,000. Martha, the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations, claims her rights were violated because she was not allowed to protest outside of the main gate during the Masters. The town of Augusta claimed her group being at the main gate caused security issues and she was offered a location a half mile away to protest. Obviously this was not good enough for her.

Martha, why don't you leave Augusta National & the Masters alone. Why do you want to tarnish the most sacred of golf tournaments? If you have a problem with Augusta National take it up with Hootie & Co., but not during the Masters.

Below is an ad on the NCWO's website:

Here are some golf balls to really take your anger out on Martha.


Martha Burk, Augusta National will do what they want to do as far as their membership is concerned. Why don't you and your invasive group of women go open an all women's golf club and leave Augusta alone.

Singh gets rid of belly putter & look what happens

Tiger Woods and several other pros have criticized golfers, like Vijay Singh, that use the belly putter. I'll bet Vijay Singh's performance at the Buick Open using a standard length putter might silence these critics. Heck, they may even wish Vijay was still using his long belly putter after finishing 23 under par yesterday. What No Three Putts has said before about putting is it's all about what you feel comfortable over that's important. Vijay had a streak of poor putting with the belly putter, got rid of it and got himself in the right mindset for the Buick Open and look at how he putted. Although the putt he missed on 18 might have sent him back to the belly putter if John Daly had made his putt.

Speaking of John Daly, I think he used some fairly poor course management on the back nine, especially on 18. He saw Vijay hit his ball into the trees, why not play it safe with a long iron or a 3 wood? I know the driver and hitting the long ball are what John Daly are all about, but he should have played the 18th hole a little smarter to try and win the tournament or at least force a playoff. All he needed was a par to force a playoff. And is it me or is John Daly getting fatter or what? Perhaps the piece I wrote about John being pregnant is true.

Overall, the Buick Open was a fun golf tournament to watch. It would have been really interesting had Phil Mickelson or Ernie Els been there. Also, was the shirt Tiger wore on Sunday ugly or what?

There was an interesting statistic given during the telecast yesterday: Pro golfers make 6% of putts that are over 25 feet. That's odd, when I watch golf highlights it seems like all I see are 50 footers being dropped. This is one of the few stats that everyday golfers actually come close to matching. I'd say the average golfer drops at least one long putt per round, two if you're lucky. Dropping one long putt per round, taking 36 putts in a round, puts you at 2.77%. If you happen to drop a 2nd long putt, you are right up there with the pros. So to all of you out there, drop a long putt or two and you can brag that you drop them like the pros. We'll never be able to match their scores so we might as well gloat about the little things.

Christie Kerr knows her way around a, um, trophy

Not only is Christie Kerr a great golfer, but I think she may have experience in other areas as well. I know this is an old picture, April 2002, but it is a classic. How often does the winner of a golf tournament, the Longs Drugs Challenge, get a crystal penis? Cheerios must have been proud.